HOME TO THE ISLAND
It was a good feeling to be going home to my family, where I could be safe and taken care of for awhile. But, the plane ride seemed to take forever and all I wanted was to get there. When I got off the plane, I was sure I had been followed all the way to Halifax, where I met my sister, Audrey. We planned to drive to P.E.I. It was good to see her and it made me feel that I was now safe.
It was such a nice ride through Nova Scotia. I felt happy and at peace because I was going home. When we arrived at the boat, it was wonderful to see the water. I could smell the salt in the air. We boarded the boat and when we parked the car, another car pulled up alongside us. I saw it had Ontario license plates. Oh no, those must be the people, who had followed me all the way here. My sister left our car to sit upstairs on the ferry but I stayed in our car. As soon as she left, I locked all the doors and put my seat in the reclining position. I fell asleep. This was the best thing I could have done. The anxiety was so strong that I wasn’t sure I could tell anyone about my fears so I kept them all to myself.
The drive on the Island was beautiful. My heart was full of joy and peace at being home. I really enjoyed the time I spent with my sister. I felt very close to her and we both looked forward to getting to her place. Stella had gone to the airport to pick up Paula. Of course, when we arrived at my sister’s house, Paula came running out of the house to greet me. There were lots of kisses and she was so happy to see us. It felt so good to have her on the Island with me. My heart was so full of joy and peace and I could smell the ocean. The ocean had called me home and I was there to respond to it.
It became clear to me that my anxiety had gone away. It was such a feeling of relief. I was glad to finally be able to relax. We had a wonderful evening and when it was time to go to bed, I slept out in a mobile home my sister had on her side of the house. It would be good to go to sleep. When I was in bed, I heard a car drive around the parking lot. The anxiety returned—they must have followed me here. What was I to do? After some time passed, I calmed myself down and felt much better. Paula came in and we were both tired and fell asleep. The anxiety had gone again and I was at peace with myself.
It was such a roller coaster ride and I wanted to get off but I was not sure how to do so. I spent the week at my sister’s. Every night, I went through the same feeling and spent a lot of time talking on the telephone with my friend, Peter. He helped me settle down, when I had an anxiety attack. I wanted to get in touch with my dear friend, Gloria as she had been there to help me with those fears before I had come to the Island. But, she was in Vancouver and I could not reach her by phone because she was travelling a lot. No one was sure where she was at any given time.
The night before I was to leave my sister’s house to see the rest of my family, who lived on the west end of the Island, I went out to sit on Audrey’s deck. I looked for the blue star. When I found it, I felt Gloria’s strong presence with me. She was thinking about me. This put me at peace and our spirits were once again united from one coast to the other. Our spirits were clear and strong. The most wonderful feelings of peace came over me. It was wonderful.
The next day, my sister and I left to see the rest of the family. I was looking forward to seeing my family and all the kids. It was O’Leary Day (my home town) and there was going to be a parade. Everyone was going. I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep. I explained to the kids that Uncle Cecil was not feeling good and he needed to rest. I told them that tomorrow I would spend time with them. It felt good to be at home in the house, where I was a child and could be safe.
I went to bed and slept for two days. I just could not seem to be able to get enough sleep. That day, I called Dr. Verna, my old family doctor. He was glad to hear from me and I went to see him. He was already aware of my fight with HIV/AIDS and he was so willing to help me. He is such a caring and wonderful man. We talked for at least an hour. I told him about my feelings of anxiety and how they came over me and how it made me feel. I felt like everyone in my home town was watching me because it was common knowledge that I had AIDS. He was so good to me. He told me to keep my chin up and walk proud because he was going to be there for me, when I needed him.
Dr. Verna and I were the ones to break the ice on AIDS education in our home town and we needed to continue to educate. He told me to call him anytime, night or day. He put me at peace with myself. He then gave me some pills to help me out. It was clear that he was going to be there for me. He was a little concerned that I would try to end my life. He asked if that was what I was thinking. I looked at him and I told him that my fight with AIDS was not over yet. I did not fight this long to just end it. I was feeling much better and I was at peace with myself.
I went home and took a pill and went to bed. I slept for another day. I don’t think my family understood why I slept so much but they were all aware of my ill health and were very understanding. It was so wonderful to have my family around me. I felt so blessed to have such a large, loving family. It was good to be at home.
Through all of this, my AIDS did not go away. It was there eating my insides out. It was real. My health started to fail and it seemed to do so at a rapid rate. I was not sure what was going on but I was in the most pain I had ever experienced. My legs—what was going on with my legs? The pain was sharp and my feet had no feelings left in them. I was sick to my stomach. I went to bed and cried all night and rubbed my legs to try to get some pain to stop. It was not working but I did not take my painkillers with me from Ontario. My legs became weak. I could hardly hold myself up on them. My legs were getting very small and I was rapidly losing weight. What was going on?
I was getting very scared and it was becoming apparent that my virus was trying to destroy my body. Each day, I lived with the pain and I tried with every ounce of effort that I had to try and enjoy my time with my family. The pills I was taking for my anxiety were working. I was eating bottles of Tylenol, which seemed to help.
My family had arranged for me to use the car so I could get around and spend time with all my family. I spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ house as it was peaceful there. I went up to the graveyard just beside my grandparents’ house to see the plot, where my ashes would be put. It is right next to my grandparents’ plot, where I wanted to be. It felt good to know I was going to come home to rest on the farm, where I had so many childhood memories. These were my roots and I could feel them so strongly that day. I love my family and our deep, settled roots.
Also, I spent time driving around the Island and looking at the wonderful colours of the rich landscape. It is such a beautiful Island and the memories are wonderful. When I stayed at my brother’s house, I spent a lot of time at the ocean. I went for many long walks along the ocean and cliffs. The power of the strong waves and the sounds of the sea were all around. I drew strength from its power and strength, to fight in my walk with AIDS. The energy filled my body and I felt I could walk proud.
Two weeks had passed and my anxiety was under control. The pills that Dr. Verna gave me were working. Most days were spent visiting all my family. It was good to have them around me. While I was home, I went to the United Church to make plans for my memorial services, which would be held there. It is such a beautiful church inside. I met with John Fraser and we had a wonderful talk. It became clear to me that we did not agree in some ways about Heaven and Hell but we put them aside and planned my memorial service. It felt good to take care of this matter. I could rest in peace.
My days were getting short and it would soon be time to go back to Ontario. We had lots of family get-togethers and it was a festive time. I drew lots of energy and strength from the strong love and support of my family. The next day, my sister, Audrey came to get me, to return to Charlottetown. I would spend my last week on the Island at her place. So, I left my home town and said my goodbyes. It was hard. The pain on my mother’s face as I left crushed me. Would we ever see each other again? She understood that I needed to be in Ontario, where I could get the best medical treatments so she let me go. There was a strong sense of peace and I assured her it was okay.
We left O’Leary and drove to my sister’s house. I had one more week of vacation. As we drove through the countryside, the red soil, blue sky, blue water, green and yellow fields and the little painted farms bursting with the colour of flowers were wonderful. I looked at my sister and said that this was such a beautiful Island. She said that she could never leave the Island and all of its beauty. I had such a strong desire to move home again to the Island and spend my last days in this place that I grew up to love.
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