“Cecil, your test came back positive, what you have is HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus).”
My mind raced. I felt like I was going to be sick. My body temperature changed. No! This cannot be right. Stamped by the health department and checked twice. The doctor tried to comfort me. We must start treatment right away.
“What did you say doctor?”
I want to go home. I was to go in on Monday and talk to him. The walk down Wyndham Street was long and lonely! I walked back to work. So alone, in such a crowd! How do I explain this to my partner? Go back to work, go to my office and sit down—WOW!
I go to the basement; here come the tears. I cried for at least an hour. I must tell my partner. When my partner came into my office, he started crying the moment he saw my face. Not many words had to be spoken at this point. My partner said “let’s go home.” We both walked home and we cried all the way. The pain in my heart and the pain in my partner’s eyes were too much to handle. I wanted to die!
The apartment seemed cold; we went off to bed to sleep and cry in each other’s arms. When I woke up, my AIDS virus was still there. I wanted it to be a bad dream, but it was real. No, No, No, Yes! I felt my life was over. It was very hard on my partner. What should we do?
We went over to my partner’s grandmother’s house and told her. We all cried.
“Let’s put up the Christmas tree.”
So, the three of us decorated it. It was sad. Would this be my last Christmas? The pain on their faces was too much for me to see. I was no longer in the Christmas spirit. Why? My life was over. I will try to enjoy Christmas. Seems dark, empty and alone…
A NEW FRIEND
Then something wonderful happened. A puppy! What should we name her? We decided on Paula. Yes, let’s go to London to see her. We went to the farm, where Paula was born. My partner and Edna like another dog. I stood in the room to order a puppy.
“They are not ready yet,” the lady said. She said you will have to order one of these seven and pick it up after Christmas. I did not want to wait that long.
My partner said, “Let’s take this little male dog.” Just at that moment, out of the cage came Paula.
The lady said, “Oh, she is left over from the last litter. No one wanted her. Oh, she was a runt.” She said, “My husband calls her little monkey.” Paula ran around my feet and looked up at me. I fell in love. I picked her up and held her in my arms. She licked my face. I wanted this one. Her name is Paula.
What a joy came into my heart. I forgot all about HIV. Joy took over. Her name will be Paula (Lady) Wallace Thickson. We paid for her and put her in the car. Six weeks old. Let’s go home. I was so happy. My heart was full of joy.
We were all happy. But driving home, the thought of HIV came back into my mind. So, I will make this last Christmas of mine a joyful one. Lady Paula Wallace Thickson was asleep in the front seat of the car. Our first car ride together. When I got home, I took her right over to meet my dear friends, Bob and Vianne. I put her inside my coat, with just her head sticking out. They loved her. They had just lost their dog so it was hard on them, but they were happy for me.
Then, I went home, put Paula in her cage, sat it on the dresser beside the bed and went to bed. She started to cry (HIV is far from my mind). I got up and opened the door and picked her up and went back to bed. She crawled under my arm and went to sleep. I went off to sleep. The day was over. I was so happy. This was my first day of a wonderful friendship. This was going to be a wonderful Christmas. My heart was full of joy. I forgot all about the HIV and the pain went away. Another day over!
DAY OF DENIAL - DECEMBER 24, 1990
The next day, I went to the doctor's office. I started to relive the day before, going back to the same office, where I found out I was HIV positive. When I woke up that morning, the HIV and fear were still alive. I guess this is not just a bad dream. My life felt like it was over. I was only twenty-nine years old and these things were not supposed to happen, when you are so young. I wonder if they mixed up the paper work at the lab, where the blood work was done. And—maybe I did not have HIV. I must ask the doctor.
The doctor entered the room. “Yes, Cecil, you must start treatment, but I am not sure how to treat you.”
AZT, what was that? I would have taken anything that day. Okay doctor, let’s just get started.
“We have to check your T-4 cell count,” the doctor said.
“What is a T-4 cell count?” I asked.
He explained to me that there are helper cells to protect your system from illness. He did the blood work and sent it off to London. Results were not good!
He explained that the treatment was important and that I was to take 500 mg of AZT a day. (Little did I know then, that this would be at the point, where my medical awareness of terms and treatments would begin). T-4 cells, Helper cells, wow, I did not even know I had such things. But I guess it is okay now because I have a drug called AZT and that will kill all of these cells and I will make new ones and it will be okay. I must get home right away and take one of these pills so that it can start to work.
